My Bloody Ego

No more would I be apologizing to the huge mad crowd of die hard fans that I keep imagining are out there reading my blog, for not having written regularly. But then again … my dastardly bloody ego, makes me put on airs as I turn up my collars in swelling pride over a few paltry, friendly (and deeply understanding) praises that I receive from long time acquaintances. Hmmm…. Ego, what a damnable thing it is. For long I had no idea as to what it is, though I was categorically branded as tending towards the limits of egomaniacal exhibitions of outward behavior. God!...just see me … I have this dirty habit of writing twisted, extra compounded, highly sophisticated sounding sentences to convey a dumb idea .. That I am dumb!!! Phew!

As a school kid, we were often coaxed to build and exude self confidence. But as things would have it, the line between self-confidence and ego (and many other scary things) is simply too thin. Brought up amidst a bunch of spoilt brats in an affluent society; bragging was an indispensable mark of identification of the neighborhood. It was reasoned out thus – “It is true talent that comes with head weight.” (Kill the dog who said that.) Of course they were all talented … of course kids need encouragement to excel … but this is taking things a bit too far. Thank God! My parents were not of the same breed as those snobby, petulant, stiff necked aunts and uncles. They kept repeating a proverb in Tamil – “Nerai Kudam Thalzhumbadhu” – which, in essence, meant “Empty vessels made the most noise”…. Oh well … ok … here it is … the proverb literally meant that – “A pot that is filled to the brim doesn’t spill!!!” …. Hmmm…. Now I am scratching my head trying to make sense out of this for all my western readers! Well it goes like this. Women in the villages of India carry water from the river to home. And they often found that when the pots they carried were half filled, they spilt more than when the pots they carried were full. (God!.. it beats me ..trying to put it in scientifically, gravitationally, kinematically …. Bless all those dead physics teachers of mine …explanatory terms.)

Parents repeating good things on and off to get them into their kids’ muddy heads is one thing, and the extended incessant exposure to higher-than-normal-self-esteem attitude of your playmates is another. And unfortunately try as much as they may, my sis and myself didn’t escape the infection. With our noses thrown up and heads thrown back we walked from primary to secondary to higher school. I turned lucky when I walked this way into college.

There in college, I had in waiting a most needed rude shock. There were batch mates and seniors far more talented and gifted in ways more than one, a million times more humble and unassuming. They mutely shown like bight torch lights, highlighting my own faults to me. They would do this … they would do that … and yet when praised they would brush it all aside with a simple smile and go back to their normal routines like normal people. (uhh!... I mean like the rest of us …) God! … They had so much to teach by just being themselves. Slowly but steadily the culture of the place (my college) crept into my psyche. Somewhere down the line I learnt to learn the good things from people I come across. Woooo … boy! I sound like some weirdo. But it all paid me well.

I try sharing the same with my sis, but I guess we’re from different species altogether. We simply don’t understand the language we speak in, let alone more complicated concepts on humility. It all makes me wonder, why people want to SHOW their confidence to the outside world. Is it that we are incomplete all by ourselves without the reactions of the world around us, to what we are and what we do? What would it be like to stay absolutely unconcerned, unaffected and untouched by the world around us? Would that be a challenge? Would that be abnormal? Hmmm…. I think its worth a try. If it turns out to be disquieting and paranormal to the extent that I am branded as an unacceptable outcast amidst my own roost …I might have to turn around.